Day 4: The itches of relapsing

What is there to look at some porn and just jerk off a little? This was the thought that I woke up to when I was taking a nap in the afternoon and after battling this thought I realized that I was late for the class. The frequencies and intensity of urges are increasing at an alarming rate. Sometimes it is very difficult to control and when I do it is followed by tremendous mood swings. For instance I wasted the whole day today. I did nothing today, nothing significant apart going to the class and solving a math sheet. I woke up early like usual, wasted the morning again as usual and dozed off till the evening and then went to the class in the evening. After coming back from the class I did nothing but waste time!

What the hell is wrong with me! I will be giving the most important exam of my life in coming month and I am wasting time like idiots. I cannot afford to do that! I have to get up and go for what I have dreamt of. I want it bad and I want to be successful for it. Yes, porn is not an option but failure is not at all. Sometimes I think Porn has eaten me up so bad that I have lost my ability to think straight. This is also a symptom when you leave this addiction, the brain fog. I think this is my brain fog; not able to think clearly. I have to deal with it because I cannot let it govern otherwise I will lose the precious days of preparation and I cannot do that.

Youtube is also a big pain in the ass. Whenever you switch to it, it is so hard not to watch those amazing videos. How time ticks away, I have no clue. I have to be sure that next time I will not spend so much time on it no matter how tempting it looks. Some motivational videos are fine but how you switch from that to something titled “Most amazing facts that will blow your mind” and then to Taylor Swift vevo channel, I have no idea but I am pretty sure that it happens with you too. 🙂

Well I get to go now. I have a lot more coming next week. I have to prepare a strategy for my exams and deal with the brain fog. Maybe have to come up with MARK II for dealing with the symptoms. It sometimes kills me but to think of something that keeps me going on, the only line that comes into my mind is:

No matter how bad it is or how bad it is going to get, I am going to make it!



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