Day 9&10: flashbacks…. And learnig

Like in every recovery, there is a time when you think about your drug every passing day and every passing night and you think “OH God! Why can’t I have this anymore?” and a stupid voice in your head suggest in a timid voice. “Because you want to leave it, remember?” and you go again. “I want it back, I am dying out here!” and the voice said something motivational crap like “Remember what you started for…..” and the shit goes on and on and on……

This is how the system works in my head these days. The only problem is that the voice is in now becoming feeble and weaker. I am afraid that it might die soon. I should not let it die but I am getting weaker and weaker now. I was in class today too after a week of that incident in which I felt like a sexual predator. I was totally in control and calm even struck up a conversation with a girl! 😛 and the best part nothing sexual came up inside me though I liked her, she was attractive and I was nervous, not because of that but because of if some tingling came up then? I know it sounds stupid but I was nervous of that. Did a test paper too and score was also good so everything is going on track but I have to do something about the nervousness or maybe it will go after some time when I stabilize. I’ll have to wait.

The other thing is in my mind that my first exam will be on 28th and my score is not well to clear it. I need more marks and I am not doing well in the practice tests. So i’ll have to restrategize myself and quit procrastination. My productivity is decreasing day by day. I have to get up and just go for it. I know I can, and I will.

I recently saw Noah Church’s video on youtube. Apparently there is a thing called chaser effect. If you fap once, your body will demand one more and one more and so one untll whole reboot process in tampered and pushed into jeopard. So you have to strictly stick to no fap even if you finish the process of reboot and it can only be ended when you truly attach yourself with a partner. That came like a bummer to me. Even Mr. Awesome implied on the fact. Mr. Awesome was 180 days clean until he felt prey of the chaser effect and spoilt his reboot. The problem becomes clearer to me as I put my own logic into it. The more you are attracted to porn, the simple thought of it excites you to see it will mean that you have not recovered. The aim that we make of days say 90 or 120 are useless until we truly change our life.

Absenting from porn is not reboot. It is just restricting your brain to watch your favorite TV show.

Porn has to be eradicated in some constructive steps with more involvement of life in it. After week 2, I think I should better come up with some innovative ideas for MARK-II. Good luck to me!

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