Day 1.3: doing ok…

It has been 3 days to the relapse. I know that it is a difficult phase. Now when I look at Gabe, I have more respect for him. How did he do that? That is the guy, the real hero of rebooters. Well, I have this very important exam in less than 10 days and I cannot afford to score less in it. So I have revised MARK II a little bit.

Porn will be cut down at all cost. So P as well as P subs are out. Now the problem lies in O. it is lethargic, I know but the combination of P with O make it more lethal. I cannot have mood swings and early sings of flatline destroy my chance in it. So the revision come here is that I will O but not to porn.

Big mistake! Has he lost it! I know, that’s what will be coming up in your minds but I am not finished. The O will not be everyday but it will be strategically. I will train my brain to deal with O in a more comprehensive way. At first the O will be done at the end of 5 days, then at the end of 10 days. The problem is that Chaser effect will come in play here and I will crave for more dopamine rush. So this is what comes next. The O will be done in night just before sleep. If cravings come then I will tale a cold shower considering that there is still some summers left in here. After 5 days more, it will be followed by another O. After I am done with my first exam, next is scheduled on 22 November and 29 November. So there is ample of time but this time the duration of O will be increased to 7. So one O in one week. After that my last exam is on 20th December. Then the frequency will be once in 10 days. When Winters kick in the time of O will be in day just before nap and if cravings come, lukewarm shower will do as fine as cold shower.

This strategy sounds berserk at first but it can work considering if I let the testosterone and running and dopamine in a controlled manner, I can have a upper hand on mood swings. The recovery can be slow but I believe my efforts will not be in total waste. Maybe it will not cure PIED to the full extent but it will definitely not worsen the situation but make it a little better. It will be a win/win.

There are some factors of will power involved. I noticed even after relapsing that there was some improvement. I had better drive compared to the time when I was suffering in last 10 days. I talked to a pretty girl in class and I could do it without any awkward thoughts coming in my mind.

Control on mood swings is a must. Any suggestions are welcomed.

Day ‘FU*KING 0’

Yeah, as you might have guessed what is my status now. I fucking relapsed. And guess what, so did mr. Awesome. Great timing, We are a piece of crap! We are scumbags! You went hard and fast but exploded. Yeah, yeah… I get you all. We can be depressed and relapse further and not ever lift ourselves again. We can get into shit and be content in the warmth. We can be content in our nests and never try to spread our wings. But no, we try to rise again. We accept we did wrong. We accept that we were incompetent in our first attempt but hey, who isn’t. Tell me a kid who learned alphabets in one go? Tell me that NASA never failed? Tell me that you never failed!! We all fail. It is a part of life.

Quote from the batman trilogy:

After Ra’s al Gul has taken over Gotham and bruce feels that he has failed. Alfred asks him a question that Bruce’s dad asked him once.
Alfred: Sir, Why do we fall?
(Bruce looks towards alfred with tears in his eyes, he shakes his head in response)
Alfred: We fall so that we can learn to pick ourselves up!
(Bruce filled with power goes to the city and knocks out Ra’s al Gul)

The best part is that Mr. Awesome and I accept that we have fallen. Even knights of Templar watch has fallen. MARK II is in business.

MARK II (Valid for 10 days)

Hardmode follow up:
Since we have relapsed after a long time, we will be vulnerable to chaser effect. We will try to do more and more until guilt will come over. I believe that even we have relapsed it doesn’t mean that we have not learned anything. The reboot has happened but it is so low that we cannot see it. The guys that have relapsed after 10 days will agree with me that after one ejaculation they have felt great, it is however subsequent ejaculations that kills them. Masturbation is considered healthy because the testosterone is released. We as addicts have released it all our lives and the hormonal imbalance causes frustration and little drive for dopamine too comes back. Porn is a problem, I get it but wanking is a more serious issue  because it is where the fluids will be released. So no touching your wee wee for 10 days,

Increasing connectivity:
Mr. Awesome though being on whatsapp do not have a very great bonding. We are busy with our studies but we do need to have connectivity and bonding. The suggestion is that we need to take up some common activity. Now being more that 5000 miles away we cannot come to each other’s door step for a game of football but we can read same books, share videos on youtube and know each other’s culture and reason. World news is also a great medium. I have no idea about Russian strikes against ISIS. We can talk about that, it will be boring and idiotic to talk about girls and porn all day. It will only make us more vulnerable.

Vulnerable Spots:
I relapsed because of inactivity and frustration. Mr. Awesome had his own reasons. Well, remedies help like cold showers, exercising etc but the main thing is that we need to train the most important organ of our body. BRAIN. If we do not train the brain, we’ll be be on problematic tracks. So, BRAIN for next 10 days, no porn.

We need to follow up the points of MARK I and do the same in our lives, the problems with the world is that we do and what make Germany more powerful in this aspect is that they do not do, they IMPLY. In WWII they were superiors than allies forces because they made the system work and kept it intact every time. We need to learn from this and keep ourselves intact, learn and gradually increase our aim. First 10. Then next 10.

We can do it. We just need to take control of out lives and rise against the adversities.

Quoted from the batman trilogy:
Bruce after forced into prison by Bane goes out to try to get out by climbing the well.
There were chanting from foreign language by the inmates of prison.
Bruce: What are they saying?
Wise old man: RISE!

So rise, rise against the odds. Because we fail and fall, only to get up and win!

Day 9&10: flashbacks…. And learnig

Like in every recovery, there is a time when you think about your drug every passing day and every passing night and you think “OH God! Why can’t I have this anymore?” and a stupid voice in your head suggest in a timid voice. “Because you want to leave it, remember?” and you go again. “I want it back, I am dying out here!” and the voice said something motivational crap like “Remember what you started for…..” and the shit goes on and on and on……

This is how the system works in my head these days. The only problem is that the voice is in now becoming feeble and weaker. I am afraid that it might die soon. I should not let it die but I am getting weaker and weaker now. I was in class today too after a week of that incident in which I felt like a sexual predator. I was totally in control and calm even struck up a conversation with a girl! 😛 and the best part nothing sexual came up inside me though I liked her, she was attractive and I was nervous, not because of that but because of if some tingling came up then? I know it sounds stupid but I was nervous of that. Did a test paper too and score was also good so everything is going on track but I have to do something about the nervousness or maybe it will go after some time when I stabilize. I’ll have to wait.

The other thing is in my mind that my first exam will be on 28th and my score is not well to clear it. I need more marks and I am not doing well in the practice tests. So i’ll have to restrategize myself and quit procrastination. My productivity is decreasing day by day. I have to get up and just go for it. I know I can, and I will.

I recently saw Noah Church’s video on youtube. Apparently there is a thing called chaser effect. If you fap once, your body will demand one more and one more and so one untll whole reboot process in tampered and pushed into jeopard. So you have to strictly stick to no fap even if you finish the process of reboot and it can only be ended when you truly attach yourself with a partner. That came like a bummer to me. Even Mr. Awesome implied on the fact. Mr. Awesome was 180 days clean until he felt prey of the chaser effect and spoilt his reboot. The problem becomes clearer to me as I put my own logic into it. The more you are attracted to porn, the simple thought of it excites you to see it will mean that you have not recovered. The aim that we make of days say 90 or 120 are useless until we truly change our life.

Absenting from porn is not reboot. It is just restricting your brain to watch your favorite TV show.

Porn has to be eradicated in some constructive steps with more involvement of life in it. After week 2, I think I should better come up with some innovative ideas for MARK-II. Good luck to me!

Day 7 & 8: Relatively calm

Today marks the first week. Yay! Made it through the first cruel week however guys say that the problems starts happening after that. If problems start after first week then what was I experiencing for the past 7 days? It was a total nightmare and the worst part is that troubles are going to start now. I’ll be damned if they should not!

Last two days were relatively fine. I did pretty good in my exams considering I did well in one and messed up the other though not very bad. Now I am thinking that I have to push myself a little harder. I have made a new timetable and and I am committed to stick to it. There are numerous things to achieve and there is a very short time for that. I have to do well or else I will be screwed. I realized that I have already made so much mistakes in the past that I have burned almost all of my rescue bridges. Be it bad grades, romantic life or career wise; I have managed to screw it well but not now. Now is the time to act and get up and go what I truly want to achieve and deserve. Addiction cannot be the solution of anything in life.

Taking about urges, they are pretty much in control. Thoughts of porn come but they are not very intense. Just before opening the laptop I wanted to have a peep into the latest videos of this week but I controlled. I have come up with a solution on the advice of Mr. Awesome that whenever I get a strong urge that seems uncontrollable them I should starts a set of push ups. Seems fine, exertion will take your mind off the urge and keep you intact. I’ll happily take it.

Motivational level from previous days is better. There are days of complete despair and destitution where I think porn as the only hope rather than my adversary. There are moments of bewilderment and when you feel lost and there are times when you are ecstatic, when you have terrible mood swings and when you have good concentrations. However, happy moments are less compared to tuff ones but I know it will not be the same always. You know why:

The bad time has come but the bad time has not come to stay but to pass.

This is the hope that I have in my mind every passing day and every passing night. I am going to make it.

I am going to make it.

I am going to make it.

I am going to………

Day 5 & 6: Life is getting hell!

Yep, it is happening. The withdrawal symptoms are kicking in bad. My testosterone levels are like all time high and they are yelling for an ejaculation. I feel like I am dying out here. Today I woke up to another sex dream in which girls were running naked. I don’t understand why this is happening. My craving are understandable but dreams? I do not think of porn all day, I have an exam and I do considerable amount of study so technically the probability of having nightmares about a mess up in exam is more than an American Pie naked mile run.

According to http://www.yourbrainonporn.com  common withdrawal symptoms include:

  • Insomnia and other sleep difficulties
  • Anxiety, stress and other forms of fear
  • Headaches and pains and stiffness in muscles, joints, teeth, jaw, genitals and other parts of the body
  • Fatigue and weakness
  • Depression, despair and other forms of sadness
  • Agitation
  • Lack of Focus / attention / concentration (brain fog)
  • Mood Swings
  • Frustration, irritability, annoyance, short-temperedness and other forms of anger
  • Flu, nausea, fever and other forms of sickness
  • Little or no libido, flatline.
  • Pornographic flashbacks and sexual dreams
  • Horniness, sexual cravings, sexual thoughts and urges to use porn and/or masturbate
  • Desire to avoid socializingI am having almost all of these symptoms in one way or another. I am going mad with them. I am getting good sleep but my sleep patterns are changing. I am experiencing distorted sleep patterns, sometimes going to bed too early and sometimes staying up to late because I cannot sleep. There are porn flashbacks, a lot of flashbacks. There are terrible mood swings, there is anxiety and there is sexual cravings. Sometimes I feel sexual cravings are slipping out of hands. Let me take yesterday’s account for instance. I was in the class attending the lecture and a girl was sitting in just front of me. I don’t know why this thought came into my mind but I felt like grabbing her! Sick! I know but that flashed in my mind, at once I felt like I am a sexual predator and there is no difference between rapists and me. I loathed myself and was filled with self pity. How could such a thought enter my mind? I sat straight and clasped my hands tightly for the rest of the lecture. I don’t I want to end up in jail, especially for sexual assault.

    There are terrible mood swings. At times I want to study hard because I know this is the right thing to do and then I relax and end up doing nothing. WTF is wrong with me? The cravings come and go but their timings are way out of league. They sometimes come when I am doing a maths sum, however when I see some ad in TV where after looking a sexy model the craving should come, it doesn’t. I am not lying while writing this entry the craving came once! How can an entry be sexual!

    There are times when I curse the day when I had first watched porn. Can I just reverse that? I wished someone would have slapped me and shown me the right path while I was glued to that screen. I wish, and I can only wish because I know I cannot change the past. I cannot reverse things and put them in my half. My wishes will not make my life happy however my actions would. I am going through a tough phase, I hope I get out of it well.

Day 4: The itches of relapsing

What is there to look at some porn and just jerk off a little? This was the thought that I woke up to when I was taking a nap in the afternoon and after battling this thought I realized that I was late for the class. The frequencies and intensity of urges are increasing at an alarming rate. Sometimes it is very difficult to control and when I do it is followed by tremendous mood swings. For instance I wasted the whole day today. I did nothing today, nothing significant apart going to the class and solving a math sheet. I woke up early like usual, wasted the morning again as usual and dozed off till the evening and then went to the class in the evening. After coming back from the class I did nothing but waste time!

What the hell is wrong with me! I will be giving the most important exam of my life in coming month and I am wasting time like idiots. I cannot afford to do that! I have to get up and go for what I have dreamt of. I want it bad and I want to be successful for it. Yes, porn is not an option but failure is not at all. Sometimes I think Porn has eaten me up so bad that I have lost my ability to think straight. This is also a symptom when you leave this addiction, the brain fog. I think this is my brain fog; not able to think clearly. I have to deal with it because I cannot let it govern otherwise I will lose the precious days of preparation and I cannot do that.

Youtube is also a big pain in the ass. Whenever you switch to it, it is so hard not to watch those amazing videos. How time ticks away, I have no clue. I have to be sure that next time I will not spend so much time on it no matter how tempting it looks. Some motivational videos are fine but how you switch from that to something titled “Most amazing facts that will blow your mind” and then to Taylor Swift vevo channel, I have no idea but I am pretty sure that it happens with you too. 🙂

Well I get to go now. I have a lot more coming next week. I have to prepare a strategy for my exams and deal with the brain fog. Maybe have to come up with MARK II for dealing with the symptoms. It sometimes kills me but to think of something that keeps me going on, the only line that comes into my mind is:

No matter how bad it is or how bad it is going to get, I am going to make it!

Adios

Day 3: Going Through

This is day 3. No jerking off and no porn. I had to press emergency button though. I had a very erotic dream, an orgy. It was a stupid dream with a cheap storyline of two groups of college goings teens who suddenly have a sex bet and start having it, much more like a pathetic and stupid porn production one but even while writing it I am having a huge craving to let off the steam; go off the testosterone. I want to jerk off so bad but I have to resist every bit of it. This is the problem I am having on day 3, god knows how difficult will be the coming days.

Whenever I get a feeling of jerking off, I have to press the emergency button of NoFap. NoFap is a mobile app by NoFap.com. It works wonders sometimes. It has an emergency button to deal with sudden desires and urges. The same buttons are of rejection and depression that come as withdraw symptoms. You press one according to your mood and a beautiful thought displays on your screen. How helpful it is I cannot express it in words. There are sometimes sudden urges, acute urges that need your undivided attention and are beyond your control. They can overpower you easily and at that time the only alternative you have is to either fall into the urge and then deal with the moral dilemma and guilt will follow half an hour later when you get the dopamine rush or CONTROL. This process of control takes the every single bit of determination out of you. You cannot concentrate, you cannot think, you cannot deviate this thought out of your mind; you are simply powerless. The fight will soon be out of your hands if you don’t turn to something. You have to turn to something and what better alternative you have than motivational. And what more motivational is than NoFap.

The NoFap app. The many options it has, it makes it a must app for recovery.

Mr. Awesome has suggested me to have a cold shower as soon as I get the urges. No doubt, cold shower will contract your muscles and will help but I cannot take cold shower everytime. I cannot take them in nights because if I do, I’ll end up having pneumonia! The nights are specially cruel than days because you have a bed and total solitude. Nights are the perfect time to satisfy your hunger and it is the time which I have to resist. Resist till the end. I switched on NoFap last time in emergency and wonderful motivational messages started filling my phone’s screen and the motivation was immensily helpful. Saviour of the night! NoFap!

The motivation pumps you up!

Also, I find myself more productive and little bit more enthusiastic though I know there has not been long time but I feel good. I am exercising regularly. In the cramped apartment I live I cannot exercise like in a gym but I do my daily dose of yoga, push-up, crunches etc. though I feel a little light headed these days but I think it will pass. One thought that I came across youtube while watching a video has struck my mind and I think it will be my motto for quite a few days from now.

The bad time has come but the bad time has not come to stay but to pass.

Repeat this every day after waking up ‘No matter how bad it is, or how bad it is going to get. I am going to make it.’

And yes! I can do it. How bad it may be, how bad it may get. Yes, I am going to make it!

Day 2: Fine till now.

I am pretty much fine, at least till now. Though it has not been long and I had wasted a lot of time today but I am fine considering I have had no PMO. I was thinking what might happen if I had an urge and I gave in? And guess what, I had a super urge and was literally going to give in but I picked up my phone and texted my accountability partner, mr. awesome. He gave me advice to take a cold shower immediately which I took and I felt much better afterwards. I also had a good chat with him, he is dealing with his own problems and I with mine. We have screwed up our rain too much with porn and PMO, we need a good recovery but his advice really helped and I didn’t think about naked girls till tonight.

It was a nightmare for me not to do anything. I have to suppress the thoughts of girls or anything sexual that comes into my mind. For a good recovery, it is necessary that I do not day dream about it. The more I will, the more it will affect my recovery. Nobody wants a failed recovery or a partial one. The most important thing that came into my mind after I read someone’s blog is that we as recoverer are focusing on reboot (the people recovering from porn addiction through no PMO and focusing on restrictive days usually 90). We are focusing on number of days that we should go on without PMO. /it does not help that much as rewiring help. I think I should focus on rewiring too. Rewiring gives a better insight of yourself and you can connect better with your partner. However, rewiring is not an easy task. I think for someone impatient like me reboot will be fine but that craving of rewiring does not go. It’s like buying an Iphone. When you are in store, you think why not Iphone 6s?

Well, surviving is the key here. I’ll have to first survive then upgrade. The battle of 90 days. 1 down, 89 to go………. keep going…. keep going……..

Kickstart: Day 1

Saw my last post…. It dated back to 23 July. More than two months I had been struggling, on and off with the program. Had my chances of success and followed by more failures. Now I can see that my addiction cannot be the answer and my problems cannot be the life I want to live. I have to get out of it and I know I can. I have a strategy in mind. As strategy is very important to solve most of your life problems, I have formed one. This will be the first of the ones, accordingly to the need, I may have to change but the changes should be constructive. The first one is here…..

MARK I: (The nomenclature will be of order MARK)

  • Knowing everything about porn:

    This is very important. Luckily, there are many websites in which you can find tons of information relating to it. www.yourbrainonporn.com needs a special mention here. Everything related to porn addiction can be found here. I am personally thankful to Gabe and others for educating about its effects in long run and how to get out of it. Here is a small video to understand what porn addiction is:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ya67aLaaCc&feature=youtu.be

    Some addiction effects of porn that I am facing:

    1) Severe depression

    2) Social Anxiety

    3) Mood swings

    4) Objectification of Women (seeing them as sex objects which is now making me sick)

    5) Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) [It happens when you have watch too much of porn and it had worked up your brain to such extent that it is now impossible to get aroused to the natural sexual stimuli]

    6) Lack of motivation

    7) Lack of ambition (prior to porn use, I used to be a lot ambitious and lot motivated)

    8) Lack of Concentration

    9) Self-Satisfaction (I never noticed girls in my college is because of the fact that I was always satisfied with myself, be is socially or sexually, I killed my ambitions because I was always satisfied by myself even if I perform good or bad)

  • Curing:

    There are various methods of cure. You can find them on many sites. The most popular is ‘Hard 90’s of no PMO”. It means getiing though 90 days of no Porn, no Masturbation and no Orgasm. It may sound super easy but I tell you it is very tuff and can bring tears out of eyes. I will be following ‘hardmode’ too. In hardmode, I will not touch my ‘wee-wee’ for the next 90 days no matter what. The major issue involved in recovery is flatline. The flatline is something that can be defined as a stage when a person experience ‘no libido’ during recovery. It is very depressive because you think that it will be forever but generally it accounts to 1-4 weeks, however there have been cases of flatlines stretching upto 60 days so you cannot tell. Our hero, Gabe took around 9 months to recover but many recover around after 90 days. So I am optimist about it. 

  • Our hero, Gabe Deem!
  • Support:

    I have made an account on reboot nation. It is site dedicated to help men come out of addiction. I have also got an accountability partner, mr. awesome. I hope we can get out it together as a team. 

  • This is probably my first quest of self discovery and getting off the addiction which has dominated me for the good half of my life. I am determined to do it and I believe I can do it……..

Taking a step forward: Towards recovery….

Hello people,

Hi, this is Simon here and i may not like to sound to you as if you are in a support group but I am an addict. Now you will nod and sympathize with my situation. Well, i don’t need your sympathy! I need cure of my addiction. Now, the question arises: what are you addicted to? Is it tobacco? Is it drugs? Cocaine, Heroine, Marijuana.. what?? I’ll smirk at your choices, and then I’ll blurt out loud and proper “It’s Porn!”

And I am determined to let go off it…….