Day 4: The itches of relapsing

What is there to look at some porn and just jerk off a little? This was the thought that I woke up to when I was taking a nap in the afternoon and after battling this thought I realized that I was late for the class. The frequencies and intensity of urges are increasing at an alarming rate. Sometimes it is very difficult to control and when I do it is followed by tremendous mood swings. For instance I wasted the whole day today. I did nothing today, nothing significant apart going to the class and solving a math sheet. I woke up early like usual, wasted the morning again as usual and dozed off till the evening and then went to the class in the evening. After coming back from the class I did nothing but waste time!

What the hell is wrong with me! I will be giving the most important exam of my life in coming month and I am wasting time like idiots. I cannot afford to do that! I have to get up and go for what I have dreamt of. I want it bad and I want to be successful for it. Yes, porn is not an option but failure is not at all. Sometimes I think Porn has eaten me up so bad that I have lost my ability to think straight. This is also a symptom when you leave this addiction, the brain fog. I think this is my brain fog; not able to think clearly. I have to deal with it because I cannot let it govern otherwise I will lose the precious days of preparation and I cannot do that.

Youtube is also a big pain in the ass. Whenever you switch to it, it is so hard not to watch those amazing videos. How time ticks away, I have no clue. I have to be sure that next time I will not spend so much time on it no matter how tempting it looks. Some motivational videos are fine but how you switch from that to something titled “Most amazing facts that will blow your mind” and then to Taylor Swift vevo channel, I have no idea but I am pretty sure that it happens with you too. 🙂

Well I get to go now. I have a lot more coming next week. I have to prepare a strategy for my exams and deal with the brain fog. Maybe have to come up with MARK II for dealing with the symptoms. It sometimes kills me but to think of something that keeps me going on, the only line that comes into my mind is:

No matter how bad it is or how bad it is going to get, I am going to make it!

Adios

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Day 3: Going Through

This is day 3. No jerking off and no porn. I had to press emergency button though. I had a very erotic dream, an orgy. It was a stupid dream with a cheap storyline of two groups of college goings teens who suddenly have a sex bet and start having it, much more like a pathetic and stupid porn production one but even while writing it I am having a huge craving to let off the steam; go off the testosterone. I want to jerk off so bad but I have to resist every bit of it. This is the problem I am having on day 3, god knows how difficult will be the coming days.

Whenever I get a feeling of jerking off, I have to press the emergency button of NoFap. NoFap is a mobile app by NoFap.com. It works wonders sometimes. It has an emergency button to deal with sudden desires and urges. The same buttons are of rejection and depression that come as withdraw symptoms. You press one according to your mood and a beautiful thought displays on your screen. How helpful it is I cannot express it in words. There are sometimes sudden urges, acute urges that need your undivided attention and are beyond your control. They can overpower you easily and at that time the only alternative you have is to either fall into the urge and then deal with the moral dilemma and guilt will follow half an hour later when you get the dopamine rush or CONTROL. This process of control takes the every single bit of determination out of you. You cannot concentrate, you cannot think, you cannot deviate this thought out of your mind; you are simply powerless. The fight will soon be out of your hands if you don’t turn to something. You have to turn to something and what better alternative you have than motivational. And what more motivational is than NoFap.

The NoFap app. The many options it has, it makes it a must app for recovery.

Mr. Awesome has suggested me to have a cold shower as soon as I get the urges. No doubt, cold shower will contract your muscles and will help but I cannot take cold shower everytime. I cannot take them in nights because if I do, I’ll end up having pneumonia! The nights are specially cruel than days because you have a bed and total solitude. Nights are the perfect time to satisfy your hunger and it is the time which I have to resist. Resist till the end. I switched on NoFap last time in emergency and wonderful motivational messages started filling my phone’s screen and the motivation was immensily helpful. Saviour of the night! NoFap!

The motivation pumps you up!

Also, I find myself more productive and little bit more enthusiastic though I know there has not been long time but I feel good. I am exercising regularly. In the cramped apartment I live I cannot exercise like in a gym but I do my daily dose of yoga, push-up, crunches etc. though I feel a little light headed these days but I think it will pass. One thought that I came across youtube while watching a video has struck my mind and I think it will be my motto for quite a few days from now.

The bad time has come but the bad time has not come to stay but to pass.

Repeat this every day after waking up ‘No matter how bad it is, or how bad it is going to get. I am going to make it.’

And yes! I can do it. How bad it may be, how bad it may get. Yes, I am going to make it!

Day 2: Fine till now.

I am pretty much fine, at least till now. Though it has not been long and I had wasted a lot of time today but I am fine considering I have had no PMO. I was thinking what might happen if I had an urge and I gave in? And guess what, I had a super urge and was literally going to give in but I picked up my phone and texted my accountability partner, mr. awesome. He gave me advice to take a cold shower immediately which I took and I felt much better afterwards. I also had a good chat with him, he is dealing with his own problems and I with mine. We have screwed up our rain too much with porn and PMO, we need a good recovery but his advice really helped and I didn’t think about naked girls till tonight.

It was a nightmare for me not to do anything. I have to suppress the thoughts of girls or anything sexual that comes into my mind. For a good recovery, it is necessary that I do not day dream about it. The more I will, the more it will affect my recovery. Nobody wants a failed recovery or a partial one. The most important thing that came into my mind after I read someone’s blog is that we as recoverer are focusing on reboot (the people recovering from porn addiction through no PMO and focusing on restrictive days usually 90). We are focusing on number of days that we should go on without PMO. /it does not help that much as rewiring help. I think I should focus on rewiring too. Rewiring gives a better insight of yourself and you can connect better with your partner. However, rewiring is not an easy task. I think for someone impatient like me reboot will be fine but that craving of rewiring does not go. It’s like buying an Iphone. When you are in store, you think why not Iphone 6s?

Well, surviving is the key here. I’ll have to first survive then upgrade. The battle of 90 days. 1 down, 89 to go………. keep going…. keep going……..

Kickstart: Day 1

Saw my last post…. It dated back to 23 July. More than two months I had been struggling, on and off with the program. Had my chances of success and followed by more failures. Now I can see that my addiction cannot be the answer and my problems cannot be the life I want to live. I have to get out of it and I know I can. I have a strategy in mind. As strategy is very important to solve most of your life problems, I have formed one. This will be the first of the ones, accordingly to the need, I may have to change but the changes should be constructive. The first one is here…..

MARK I: (The nomenclature will be of order MARK)

  • Knowing everything about porn:

    This is very important. Luckily, there are many websites in which you can find tons of information relating to it. www.yourbrainonporn.com needs a special mention here. Everything related to porn addiction can be found here. I am personally thankful to Gabe and others for educating about its effects in long run and how to get out of it. Here is a small video to understand what porn addiction is:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ya67aLaaCc&feature=youtu.be

    Some addiction effects of porn that I am facing:

    1) Severe depression

    2) Social Anxiety

    3) Mood swings

    4) Objectification of Women (seeing them as sex objects which is now making me sick)

    5) Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) [It happens when you have watch too much of porn and it had worked up your brain to such extent that it is now impossible to get aroused to the natural sexual stimuli]

    6) Lack of motivation

    7) Lack of ambition (prior to porn use, I used to be a lot ambitious and lot motivated)

    8) Lack of Concentration

    9) Self-Satisfaction (I never noticed girls in my college is because of the fact that I was always satisfied with myself, be is socially or sexually, I killed my ambitions because I was always satisfied by myself even if I perform good or bad)

  • Curing:

    There are various methods of cure. You can find them on many sites. The most popular is ‘Hard 90’s of no PMO”. It means getiing though 90 days of no Porn, no Masturbation and no Orgasm. It may sound super easy but I tell you it is very tuff and can bring tears out of eyes. I will be following ‘hardmode’ too. In hardmode, I will not touch my ‘wee-wee’ for the next 90 days no matter what. The major issue involved in recovery is flatline. The flatline is something that can be defined as a stage when a person experience ‘no libido’ during recovery. It is very depressive because you think that it will be forever but generally it accounts to 1-4 weeks, however there have been cases of flatlines stretching upto 60 days so you cannot tell. Our hero, Gabe took around 9 months to recover but many recover around after 90 days. So I am optimist about it. 

  • Our hero, Gabe Deem!
  • Support:

    I have made an account on reboot nation. It is site dedicated to help men come out of addiction. I have also got an accountability partner, mr. awesome. I hope we can get out it together as a team. 

  • This is probably my first quest of self discovery and getting off the addiction which has dominated me for the good half of my life. I am determined to do it and I believe I can do it……..

Taking a step forward: Towards recovery….

Hello people,

Hi, this is Simon here and i may not like to sound to you as if you are in a support group but I am an addict. Now you will nod and sympathize with my situation. Well, i don’t need your sympathy! I need cure of my addiction. Now, the question arises: what are you addicted to? Is it tobacco? Is it drugs? Cocaine, Heroine, Marijuana.. what?? I’ll smirk at your choices, and then I’ll blurt out loud and proper “It’s Porn!”

And I am determined to let go off it…….