Day 1.3: doing ok…

It has been 3 days to the relapse. I know that it is a difficult phase. Now when I look at Gabe, I have more respect for him. How did he do that? That is the guy, the real hero of rebooters. Well, I have this very important exam in less than 10 days and I cannot afford to score less in it. So I have revised MARK II a little bit.

Porn will be cut down at all cost. So P as well as P subs are out. Now the problem lies in O. it is lethargic, I know but the combination of P with O make it more lethal. I cannot have mood swings and early sings of flatline destroy my chance in it. So the revision come here is that I will O but not to porn.

Big mistake! Has he lost it! I know, that’s what will be coming up in your minds but I am not finished. The O will not be everyday but it will be strategically. I will train my brain to deal with O in a more comprehensive way. At first the O will be done at the end of 5 days, then at the end of 10 days. The problem is that Chaser effect will come in play here and I will crave for more dopamine rush. So this is what comes next. The O will be done in night just before sleep. If cravings come then I will tale a cold shower considering that there is still some summers left in here. After 5 days more, it will be followed by another O. After I am done with my first exam, next is scheduled on 22 November and 29 November. So there is ample of time but this time the duration of O will be increased to 7. So one O in one week. After that my last exam is on 20th December. Then the frequency will be once in 10 days. When Winters kick in the time of O will be in day just before nap and if cravings come, lukewarm shower will do as fine as cold shower.

This strategy sounds berserk at first but it can work considering if I let the testosterone and running and dopamine in a controlled manner, I can have a upper hand on mood swings. The recovery can be slow but I believe my efforts will not be in total waste. Maybe it will not cure PIED to the full extent but it will definitely not worsen the situation but make it a little better. It will be a win/win.

There are some factors of will power involved. I noticed even after relapsing that there was some improvement. I had better drive compared to the time when I was suffering in last 10 days. I talked to a pretty girl in class and I could do it without any awkward thoughts coming in my mind.

Control on mood swings is a must. Any suggestions are welcomed.


Day ‘FU*KING 0’

Yeah, as you might have guessed what is my status now. I fucking relapsed. And guess what, so did mr. Awesome. Great timing, We are a piece of crap! We are scumbags! You went hard and fast but exploded. Yeah, yeah… I get you all. We can be depressed and relapse further and not ever lift ourselves again. We can get into shit and be content in the warmth. We can be content in our nests and never try to spread our wings. But no, we try to rise again. We accept we did wrong. We accept that we were incompetent in our first attempt but hey, who isn’t. Tell me a kid who learned alphabets in one go? Tell me that NASA never failed? Tell me that you never failed!! We all fail. It is a part of life.

Quote from the batman trilogy:

After Ra’s al Gul has taken over Gotham and bruce feels that he has failed. Alfred asks him a question that Bruce’s dad asked him once.
Alfred: Sir, Why do we fall?
(Bruce looks towards alfred with tears in his eyes, he shakes his head in response)
Alfred: We fall so that we can learn to pick ourselves up!
(Bruce filled with power goes to the city and knocks out Ra’s al Gul)

The best part is that Mr. Awesome and I accept that we have fallen. Even knights of Templar watch has fallen. MARK II is in business.

MARK II (Valid for 10 days)

Hardmode follow up:
Since we have relapsed after a long time, we will be vulnerable to chaser effect. We will try to do more and more until guilt will come over. I believe that even we have relapsed it doesn’t mean that we have not learned anything. The reboot has happened but it is so low that we cannot see it. The guys that have relapsed after 10 days will agree with me that after one ejaculation they have felt great, it is however subsequent ejaculations that kills them. Masturbation is considered healthy because the testosterone is released. We as addicts have released it all our lives and the hormonal imbalance causes frustration and little drive for dopamine too comes back. Porn is a problem, I get it but wanking is a more serious issue  because it is where the fluids will be released. So no touching your wee wee for 10 days,

Increasing connectivity:
Mr. Awesome though being on whatsapp do not have a very great bonding. We are busy with our studies but we do need to have connectivity and bonding. The suggestion is that we need to take up some common activity. Now being more that 5000 miles away we cannot come to each other’s door step for a game of football but we can read same books, share videos on youtube and know each other’s culture and reason. World news is also a great medium. I have no idea about Russian strikes against ISIS. We can talk about that, it will be boring and idiotic to talk about girls and porn all day. It will only make us more vulnerable.

Vulnerable Spots:
I relapsed because of inactivity and frustration. Mr. Awesome had his own reasons. Well, remedies help like cold showers, exercising etc but the main thing is that we need to train the most important organ of our body. BRAIN. If we do not train the brain, we’ll be be on problematic tracks. So, BRAIN for next 10 days, no porn.

We need to follow up the points of MARK I and do the same in our lives, the problems with the world is that we do and what make Germany more powerful in this aspect is that they do not do, they IMPLY. In WWII they were superiors than allies forces because they made the system work and kept it intact every time. We need to learn from this and keep ourselves intact, learn and gradually increase our aim. First 10. Then next 10.

We can do it. We just need to take control of out lives and rise against the adversities.

Quoted from the batman trilogy:
Bruce after forced into prison by Bane goes out to try to get out by climbing the well.
There were chanting from foreign language by the inmates of prison.
Bruce: What are they saying?
Wise old man: RISE!

So rise, rise against the odds. Because we fail and fall, only to get up and win!

Day 9&10: flashbacks…. And learnig

Like in every recovery, there is a time when you think about your drug every passing day and every passing night and you think “OH God! Why can’t I have this anymore?” and a stupid voice in your head suggest in a timid voice. “Because you want to leave it, remember?” and you go again. “I want it back, I am dying out here!” and the voice said something motivational crap like “Remember what you started for…..” and the shit goes on and on and on……

This is how the system works in my head these days. The only problem is that the voice is in now becoming feeble and weaker. I am afraid that it might die soon. I should not let it die but I am getting weaker and weaker now. I was in class today too after a week of that incident in which I felt like a sexual predator. I was totally in control and calm even struck up a conversation with a girl! 😛 and the best part nothing sexual came up inside me though I liked her, she was attractive and I was nervous, not because of that but because of if some tingling came up then? I know it sounds stupid but I was nervous of that. Did a test paper too and score was also good so everything is going on track but I have to do something about the nervousness or maybe it will go after some time when I stabilize. I’ll have to wait.

The other thing is in my mind that my first exam will be on 28th and my score is not well to clear it. I need more marks and I am not doing well in the practice tests. So i’ll have to restrategize myself and quit procrastination. My productivity is decreasing day by day. I have to get up and just go for it. I know I can, and I will.

I recently saw Noah Church’s video on youtube. Apparently there is a thing called chaser effect. If you fap once, your body will demand one more and one more and so one untll whole reboot process in tampered and pushed into jeopard. So you have to strictly stick to no fap even if you finish the process of reboot and it can only be ended when you truly attach yourself with a partner. That came like a bummer to me. Even Mr. Awesome implied on the fact. Mr. Awesome was 180 days clean until he felt prey of the chaser effect and spoilt his reboot. The problem becomes clearer to me as I put my own logic into it. The more you are attracted to porn, the simple thought of it excites you to see it will mean that you have not recovered. The aim that we make of days say 90 or 120 are useless until we truly change our life.

Absenting from porn is not reboot. It is just restricting your brain to watch your favorite TV show.

Porn has to be eradicated in some constructive steps with more involvement of life in it. After week 2, I think I should better come up with some innovative ideas for MARK-II. Good luck to me!

Day 7 & 8: Relatively calm

Today marks the first week. Yay! Made it through the first cruel week however guys say that the problems starts happening after that. If problems start after first week then what was I experiencing for the past 7 days? It was a total nightmare and the worst part is that troubles are going to start now. I’ll be damned if they should not!

Last two days were relatively fine. I did pretty good in my exams considering I did well in one and messed up the other though not very bad. Now I am thinking that I have to push myself a little harder. I have made a new timetable and and I am committed to stick to it. There are numerous things to achieve and there is a very short time for that. I have to do well or else I will be screwed. I realized that I have already made so much mistakes in the past that I have burned almost all of my rescue bridges. Be it bad grades, romantic life or career wise; I have managed to screw it well but not now. Now is the time to act and get up and go what I truly want to achieve and deserve. Addiction cannot be the solution of anything in life.

Taking about urges, they are pretty much in control. Thoughts of porn come but they are not very intense. Just before opening the laptop I wanted to have a peep into the latest videos of this week but I controlled. I have come up with a solution on the advice of Mr. Awesome that whenever I get a strong urge that seems uncontrollable them I should starts a set of push ups. Seems fine, exertion will take your mind off the urge and keep you intact. I’ll happily take it.

Motivational level from previous days is better. There are days of complete despair and destitution where I think porn as the only hope rather than my adversary. There are moments of bewilderment and when you feel lost and there are times when you are ecstatic, when you have terrible mood swings and when you have good concentrations. However, happy moments are less compared to tuff ones but I know it will not be the same always. You know why:

The bad time has come but the bad time has not come to stay but to pass.

This is the hope that I have in my mind every passing day and every passing night. I am going to make it.

I am going to make it.

I am going to make it.

I am going to………

Day 5 & 6: Life is getting hell!

Yep, it is happening. The withdrawal symptoms are kicking in bad. My testosterone levels are like all time high and they are yelling for an ejaculation. I feel like I am dying out here. Today I woke up to another sex dream in which girls were running naked. I don’t understand why this is happening. My craving are understandable but dreams? I do not think of porn all day, I have an exam and I do considerable amount of study so technically the probability of having nightmares about a mess up in exam is more than an American Pie naked mile run.

According to  common withdrawal symptoms include:

  • Insomnia and other sleep difficulties
  • Anxiety, stress and other forms of fear
  • Headaches and pains and stiffness in muscles, joints, teeth, jaw, genitals and other parts of the body
  • Fatigue and weakness
  • Depression, despair and other forms of sadness
  • Agitation
  • Lack of Focus / attention / concentration (brain fog)
  • Mood Swings
  • Frustration, irritability, annoyance, short-temperedness and other forms of anger
  • Flu, nausea, fever and other forms of sickness
  • Little or no libido, flatline.
  • Pornographic flashbacks and sexual dreams
  • Horniness, sexual cravings, sexual thoughts and urges to use porn and/or masturbate
  • Desire to avoid socializingI am having almost all of these symptoms in one way or another. I am going mad with them. I am getting good sleep but my sleep patterns are changing. I am experiencing distorted sleep patterns, sometimes going to bed too early and sometimes staying up to late because I cannot sleep. There are porn flashbacks, a lot of flashbacks. There are terrible mood swings, there is anxiety and there is sexual cravings. Sometimes I feel sexual cravings are slipping out of hands. Let me take yesterday’s account for instance. I was in the class attending the lecture and a girl was sitting in just front of me. I don’t know why this thought came into my mind but I felt like grabbing her! Sick! I know but that flashed in my mind, at once I felt like I am a sexual predator and there is no difference between rapists and me. I loathed myself and was filled with self pity. How could such a thought enter my mind? I sat straight and clasped my hands tightly for the rest of the lecture. I don’t I want to end up in jail, especially for sexual assault.

    There are terrible mood swings. At times I want to study hard because I know this is the right thing to do and then I relax and end up doing nothing. WTF is wrong with me? The cravings come and go but their timings are way out of league. They sometimes come when I am doing a maths sum, however when I see some ad in TV where after looking a sexy model the craving should come, it doesn’t. I am not lying while writing this entry the craving came once! How can an entry be sexual!

    There are times when I curse the day when I had first watched porn. Can I just reverse that? I wished someone would have slapped me and shown me the right path while I was glued to that screen. I wish, and I can only wish because I know I cannot change the past. I cannot reverse things and put them in my half. My wishes will not make my life happy however my actions would. I am going through a tough phase, I hope I get out of it well.